5th July 2008

Today I got a letter with my actual results for the literacy and numeracy tests I did, I did pretty well I think. If I remember rightly what the scores were marked out of.

I also think I might have be about to have the win that I’ve been dying to have!

Not been in too good spirits lately though, I’m sleep deprived, but I wouldn’t say I’m actually run down from work as such. Work has been a lot more relaxed since the role swap, which is good, though like said the main side effect is the less hours (meaning less pay :() and the sleep deprivation part.

In theory things are slowly going to plan, if I can just pull off this one more thing to offer some sort of financial security, then I shall somehow save my bacon.

I don’t know. I think I wish I could have a hug. Things still just feel really really really hard.

2nd July 2008

A new month with some goodness, I have to prepare for the last stage now. I need to be good, I need this job, I need the money. It’ll help take the stress off and I can do the other things I love alongside it all.

Am definitely feeling a bit more confident about freelancing now, I hope I can get my act together and create a website to help promote myself and photography with. I got a better idea of what sort of thing I would like to entail.

Come on, need the win, need the win.

25th June 2008

I’m holding my breath right now.

Erk.

I’m just starting to dip my toes into the realm of freelancing, and I’m scared of fucking up delicate situations.

Anyhow, have taken on board Remember the Milk to help me get productive. So far it’s been pretty good. Helps me to keep focused on the tasks at hand and when to do them. Especially since I’ve just integrated it into gcal - a total winner.

Done my last shop-floor shift, will be started new contracted hours next week, I’ve checked rota’s ahead - looks like not too much overtime thrown in which is great, this will give me to time tp pursue other things and try and make money in other ways. Unless something else comes up that might help me financially but put pressure on my other activities.

Ideally a full time job would be the best for the financial security, but I know how much it will take out from me and it will affect everything else.

God I’m so scared that I’ve fucked up already! ARGH. Though if I pull this off I will be so proud of myself, and it’ll give me the confidence to continue the venture.

Come on life, I need a win here, just give me a win - I need this dammit.

24th June 2008

Had the numeracy/literacy test today, I passed! Interview to come…it’s a competencies interview though..ie. You give examples to demonstrate certain things. I’ve done this sort of thing before, though not to this scary degree of being ‘marked’ on it :/ scary stuff.

If all goes to plan though, this will mean a solid income and help me deal with my latest life crisis of broken finances.

In other news I’ve also decided that I am going to push this freelancing stuff like crazy. It’s very hard to make a stable living out being a photographer or web/multimedia des/dev, but damn hell I can give it a go since I’ve already determined that everything in life is just hard anyway so I might as well give the things I like a shot.

I think after Leon’s wedding reception, I would love to give it a go shooting weddings. The whole affair is just pretty and beautiful, to witness an event that is entirely endorsed by love just for that one day regardless of anything else going on in life or the world is such a wonderful thing. Life is rarely as sincere as that. I need to get my skills up to scratch though. And build up my gear.

Everything feels really really really scary right at the moment.

(Due for another freak out in approx less than a month)

16th June 2008

Okayy so SEO position seems a no go, because lack of experience, the fact I’m not located in the area yada yada yada. Mega gay. Oh well looks like I better sort out my literacy and numeracy skills then.

Nothing much else going on, lack of focus as per usual, was in a good mood about things earlier, feel unphased about the SEO role results, need to try harder. Must pursue other routes of direction. Back to work on two days, I need to make good use of the time. Though my brain did die approximately two days ago anyway.

Erk.

14th June 2008

Oh ARSE!

I just noticed I had an email about the SEO job, asking me to ring the dude on his mobile, ERK, should I do it tomorrow (well today) ? With the off chance that I can still make contact even if it’s a Saturday? How odd, it’s cause my email from my portfolio address went to my gmail addy 0_o how annoyingly odd.

Oh shit shit shit shit he better not want me to go for an interview cause I still have erm pox and all that.

To make matters worse I’ve kinda lost the print out of the original job details on, I think I may have accidentally shredded it since I haven’t a clue where it’s got to and I’ve searched high and low. Erk.

ARGH everything is happening AT ONCE!

Okay okay, must keep my cool, stick with the plan, go with everything. Still make this portfolio - don’t get distracted from the goal.

I wish this sodding pox in ma eye should stop making me my vision half blurry.

13th June 2008

Okay, so I got a letter about that job centre job, I have to do a numeracy and literacy test - ARGH! Am scared/worried much based on the fact I hadn’t used maths for about 5yrs and my genera spelling ability sucks like nuts erk…ERK ERK.

I know it’s just a test to check to see if I’m remotely educated or not, but heck I am bricking it already, I haven’t had a test in ages so you know it’s a little odd having them again.

Portfolio is at a standstill while I was bricking it, then I felt faint earlier so I chilled out and read, now I’m thinking again, I’ve got a better basic idea for it now, so I’m not as freaked out as I was. I got a layout in mind, I just need to get it out…somehow :/

12th June 2008

Working on an application for an SEO job somewhere in buckinghamshire. Worth a shot.

Was struck down by Pox the past few days so you know went through the stages of being upset, emo, upset, mad, angry, crazy, bemused, and now I’ve finally got to the proactive stage.

Everyone is out there sat in a field without me :(

I think I’m calm lately because I’ve been chewing the hell out of my nails, yes I’ve given it and went for it. Nothing like the old comfort of chewing your nail to non existence.

A job a day, or five jobs a week, the aim of average amount of applications I should be making if not more. It’s hard though, it really is hard finding jobs I can be interested in and fwding my application to them.

I’ve decided I NEED to work on my photography portfolio. I NEED THIS. I NEED that feeling of achievement I rarely get any more.

My future depends on this point right now.

7th June 2008

What the fuck am I doing?!?!?!?!

Okay, today I was sat in my usual hideout and the lad who serves me, I know he has some website service, cause there’s leaflets on the counter.

Anyyhoww I overheard him talking with another customer and he was saying how he’d done 4 websites that week (basically 5page jobs for a set fee from what I know). Anyhow he was saying he wanted to be a millionaire before he started uni. And the customer was all well you got five months if you can do it, you come back and tell me how, and he said he wasn’t going to tell anyone how he does it if he does do it. Anyway he was saying how he wanted a house at least before he started uni.

I’m thinking WTF??? (mate) - before I started uni I was just glad to finally go and live off my own back and all that.

So yeah bottom line is - I KNOW I can produce better kick ass sites than his portfolio offers - well in terms of design anyway. But the thing is, around here, people think actually being able to make a website in the first place is amazing.

So I went back to work and I just thought. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WORKING IN RETAIL WHEN I COULD BE MAKING A COUPLE HUNDRED HERE AND THERE FROM MAKING SODDING RANDOM 5 PAGE SITES THAT I COULD KNOCK TOGETHER PISS EASY IF THEY DIDN’T WANT THE MOST AMAZING ROCK ON DESIGN EVAR!!!

So, I’ve decided, as well as changing my job to get off the shop floor (fingers crossed) and seeking work in London, and trying to build a photography portfolio. I’m fucking going to make random micro websites for moneh. Do you recon I could get the business?

Things I need to consider, time vs moneh earned. So I need to think about how much to charge.

I need to make an agreement with someone who is willing to handle the hosting side of things, but that’s no problem what so evar methinks. I know a few geeks.

So the answer to the “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING….” question, well nothing, that’s what - I’m working shit work when I could be using my brain on something so simple that it could actually work. And if I get stuck with the deving, I’ll just run to kev and go kevvv help meh please. And maybe I’ll eventually beef up my deving skills along the way.

Come on come on come on. If they can do it, why can’t I?!

6th June 2008

I had a slight relapse into doom and passiveness.

Now I’m back in the game.

Okay, the new plan is to try and find work in or around London. then when I can afford it relocate to one of the main commuting towns or somewhere closer to London. I won’t be able to afford to live in London unless I’m earning realistically a large sum of money - unless I live with someone else that isn’t a kitten.

I could move to somewhere crap like Peterborough, or Stevenage.

Okay I’m just branching out, I’m going with the skills/experience sets I have already. Maybe train up with the whole SEO bollocks, maybe admin work, maybe hell even web work. Just anything I can get my claws into. The main focus is that the job has to be near London somewhere. And it has to earn enough to support myself out of home eventually. (And a kitten or maybe somewhere less demanding at first like erm, a fish?)

Job is in the air but going to hand in a letter interested in a position that leaves my weekends free just in case you know, I have to go away somewhere, or something. Plus early hours so it doesn’t hog my day. It’s a fuck tedious role though. But it’ll also get me off the shop floor, it’s a job I can just do and get on with and I don’t have to deal with people and co-workers and stuff.

Now that will act as a buffer while I seek work in London. I know this is totally cliche if ’seeking my fortune in London’ bollocks, but it’s the fact that’s where I want to go right now. I could probably live in a few other cities happily. But London, nah that’s where I want to hang out for a few years, then maybe go travel. Who knows. One step at a time.

The side line is my photography portfolio. This must must must be done, then I can branch out my job hunt a bit better.

Plus I think I should stop listening to really heavy emotive music I need something upbeat or with a beat or angry - it’s probably one of the few things that actually help me with the whole concentrating problem I tend to have.

And I need to learn how to handle my post work tiredness better. Doing something active for 365 will be the key here, if I can push myself to make effort in that - then that will help 200% in keeping me active in the evenings and not slump out in front of here gawping like some stupid thing that’s stupid.

Birthday is in a few months, so lets keep this shit in check. I can’t can’t can’t be left like this by the time I turn 24, living at home like THIS. I got to be on the track out of here.

19th May 2008

Went to the agency interview today, nothing special, just took my details and said would contact me as soon as something came up.

Alas am working every day until I go away this weekend, don’t wanna, wanna sleep and watch scrubs or something. Anyhow…Must apply for more jobs…must must must…

I’m losing focus here, I’m all over the place.

WHAT AM I DOING!?

16th May 2008

Now I remember…Why I don’t do this.

I got ONE layout for photography site so far and I already hate it. I don’t know why. It’s like it looks good but there’s too much to consider about it, I hate the nav, I hate the way it still screams artys fartys art student - it doesn’t scream that I have any concept of commericial design and it feels over complicated.

WHY did I do it? Why am I not happy with it? Why do I suck at this?

It looks pretty, but it’s so amatuerish in some sense. It would be fine for someone like me about five years ago. But now? No..no…it’s no good.

Am really frustrated. And I want to eat an apple.

Okay, lets start this again. Lets look at this is a whole new way. Think about it in terms of a dev - functionality. Think about it’s purpose, it’s focus is to show off my pretty pictures in the best way possible.

It’s alright, this is just a minor setback, think of it as a draft. Like a concept idea. And lets try again. You’ve took a peek at some people’s site’s already - you know what they’re like. Just focus on the goal..that is the PURPOSE of the site.

A photography portfolio must do the following…

• Allow people to see your photography
• Be focused on the photography
• Easy and simple
• Plain, nothing complicated distracting from the images at hand
• You want people to see those images and go WOW, you don’t want them fumbling through your site dazed at the random crap.

Now for functionality’s sake

• Easy to UPDATE
• Easy to implement and make

Okay, tomorrow night is another shot at it. Have another think now how you’ll handle this.

I can do this.

15th May 2008

Enough!

Lets play the game.

Lets go.

12th May 2008

Not much progress or thoughts have been given/made. I’m letting myself down as usual.

Come on it’s almost halfway through the month and you’re no where close to trying to get an interview!

Feel like just taking myself to cool companies and hammering on the door and demanding to see the big cheese and tell them GIVE MEH JOB!

Gargh, right this week I’ll try apply for at least one job a day, that will maximise my chances to at least 7 right? So if I apply to two a day, that should maximise it even more to 14 chances. And if it’s three then that 21 chances. So yeah - think of it in numbers terms.

Go go go!

Work first, come back, photolise, watch hollyoaks then do something

8th May 2008

Feel a bit scared/tense, starting to panic that not one is going to want to hire me, and that time is running out. Feel so stuck. Feel like freaking out and giving up.

Had a bit of a downer yesterday, I was sat in the garden trying to gather my thoughts and start designing or something, but instead I just felt at even more of a lost than ever.

Got to try, got to try, got to try…

I’m meant to be trying to get myself an interview this month, I don’t know how the feck I am going to do it!

New tactic, I should get some prints done for a photography portfolio or something. And that will encourage me to work on a website…

There’s got to be a way to harness my potential…

2nd May 2008

Righty, I’m now into the next month. Now I need to concentrate on the goal. The goal is this month I want an interview. Sounds hard but I want it, the idea is that if I can get an interview at least then all is not lost you know?

Finding it hard to stay focused, lots of things on the mind, I’ve got my photo projects up to date now so that’s another thing off my mind. But still…argh I feel everywhere yet just here all at the same time.

Not much progress just distractions distractions galore, I applied for two jobs though and skimmed the job centre website. Nothing! Alas looks like if I need more chance of finding work then I shall have to work on the design CV next.

First I need proof readers to give their thoughts on it, then tweek accordingly. Though in all honesty there isn’t much I can do with it since I’d done sod all for the past god knows how long. BUT! All is not lost, I have done ALOT of photography. Now that’s got to be something I can work with right?

Okay so onto the next stage

• Get people to look over design CV
• Update/edit design CV
• Update blurb on portfolio site
• Start/work on a project of some sort. Get the creative flow going again - COME ON!

I want to panic.

29th April 2008

Righty now that one CV is down, things can get moving a little. Weekend away was a nice break, so now back to it. PC is up and running soundly, things are slowly starting to fall into place.

So okay, how to move on - list time.

• Apply to jobs like there is no tomorrow
• Rework design CV
• Tweak portfolio site
• Create photography site?? (using links to flickr images for ease of updating etc?)
• Think about designs for The Lice website.

Ah a nice short list, cool. Just need patience…But first - to work.

23rd April 2008

Alright I had a bit of a brooding relapse, but I eventually got myself out the rutt and concluded more progress on the CV. It’s getting there, well I hope it is - it’s hard working with lots of people looking at it and offering their thoughts. Final deadline is before I go away this weekend. Must get it emailed to the agency is the most important calling point.

Feeling a bit better, I think I’m getting close to finishing this baby off.

And when I get my pc back again I can start to do other creative stuff.

Things to do

• Finalise CV
• Email to agency
• Apply for jobs
• Sort out design CV
• Sort out blurb on portfolio site
• Apply for jobs
• Start working on a micro site for The Lice

I asked Neil if it would be okay to make a site for his band The lice, and they’re cool with it. Excellent - it will be the nice small project I need to get going again.

Not much else to report on at the minute. Get this hurdle dealt with first, then I can worry about the next steps.

God it’s been feeling so awfully hard at the moment, like really really painfully hard, but I’m hoping that I’ve played the endurance game long enough for things to actually start looking up for me.

18th April 2008

Sigh.

Another wasted day.

Granted I had a bit of a lie in to try and get over this slight illness but I woke up feeling awful but a bit of food sorted that out.

I can’t explain it, it feels like a weight on my head, a lump in my throat, like I’m choking on the fear.

God I’ve been starring at this CV for what feels like decades now and the whole time I begun to doubt my ability and the chance and likelihood of me actually finding another job to escape to.

I was thinking back to that first point where Darren told me he was going to Aussie for a year. Then he went, and now he’s come back home. And I think..has all that time gone so fast? A year it’s been, and before he’d left I remembered the last time I saw him was when I went to the Cooper Temple Clause gig in Manchester. And how that was right before I started the job I thought that was going to sort me out. Now he’s been and returned and I still feel like I was a year or so ago. That dreamy, on a loose wire student who won’t stay put and accept the realities of life, who still believes that she can go out and do anything with her life, the girl who said she’d go travelling, the girl who…I don’t know, the girl that never really did know what she wanted to do with herself half the time, spending her time winging it and spending most of the time only hanging on by a thread - bouncing around back and forth from place to person to the next day, slowly becoming everything she never wanted to be, the lowly sponging scum she is.

If I could have one thing, just one thing that I could take from the world without having to pay for it, if I could have a freebie then I would want this. Please. Please give me something to work with. Please just let me find some sense of self, let me know what I want to do, give me something that I can be so certain about no matter what else happens. I want to be confident just about this one thing - I don’t want people making me doubt myself and what I believe. I don’t want people making me think that everything I have ever tried to do was wrong. Because isn’t it always the case that every decision I make is wrong? And if so if that is the case then I wish I could at least have the strength and courage to stand by my awful convictions and choices that I do make along the way. Then at least I won’t spend most the time second guessing myself about it all.

Come on girl, just do this thing, stop worrying about making the wrong choices, you can only be ’so wrong’ about something right?

Time is running out.

To do

• Finish this CV
• Get people to proof read again
• Email to agency
• Apply for jobs
• Sort out design CV

15th April 2008

I feel down. I don’t know was quite chirpy earlier but now I’m back home I’m just exhausted and all. Worn out. I don’t get it.

Haven’t done anything or made any progress, and I wasn’t even waiting on anyone either. Instead I’ve just been doing the thinking thing and feeling down. So worn out I am. And I also feel so disheartened. I need a super pick me up.

Must get back on the horse, the more I stay stuck the harder it will be to return.

I’m so close, yet I feel still so far away. It feels so hard and I can’t explain why.

Must get back to it….

14th April 2008

Not much progress, took the weekend off (plus I became addicted to watching scrubs). So far…

• Nick’s proof read it, I made the changes from the comments/suggestions
• Bob’s proof read it, he’s made comments but I need to work them through the Cv tomorrow night
• Paul’s going to take a look tomorrow morning for me hopefully

Bob thinks I need to style it more, but I don’t want to get too fancy with it personally. Shall see how I feel about it all tomorrow. I actually feel a bit down in the dumps about the whole affair today. I’m not sure why, I just feel kinda down in the dumps in general. I think it’s just one of those days when I feel like not trying to remotely stay afloat in the optimistic sense. I don’t feel like anything is really changing, I don’t feel like anything is going to happen, I feel like every time I attempt to do something something else always comes and gets in the way or gets me down or blocks me or whatever and I’m left thinking why did I even bother trying in the first place if all it was going to get me was this?

I know I know it’s not meant to be easy, none of this was going to be simple, but I feel like nothing will give me any slack. And I know I sound and feel weak by me blabbering on YET AGAIN about everything wrong with me and my life and whining about how nothing ever changes and how rubbish I am and how unfair life is to me but I’m just in one of those moods where I have to get this out. So feck off or deal.

Tomorrow is the start of week two of the push, lots of paid work to go to, but just that means I have to work extra hard in the evenings to make up for the time I don’t have during the day. So this week, the push…

• Finalise the office cv and start firing it out
• Register with that other agency place, and pop into that other agency you’ve ignored (take your passport as proof you can work in this damn country)
• Take another look at your design CV, start to rework bits of it.You need three versions essentially:
  • One that highlights your web dev skills and SEO experience
  • One that highlights your multimedia skills
  • One that is a general decent thing that tries to push your skills overall
• I just realised that the previous comment seems unnecessary and overcomplicated so lets just focus on a decent cv yeah.
• Start applying to those jobs you’ve got sat over there in a pile. In fact you want to have applied to all of them by the end of this week.

That’ll do, now back to brooding in a dark corner before tomorrow comes around fully.

11th April 2008

Okay, not much to add, apart from trying to get more people to proof read. I’ve begun laying it out in word which is a pain in the ass, but I’m learning new tiny things about text layout in word. Cool.

I ordered it into what I think the order should be, with my work experience first, though after printing it out (I always do this to get an idea of what it will really look like printed), I’m thinking that in first look the chunky paragraphs don’t look good :/ I don’t know, I could just be being stupid about it, because I’ve been starring at this same stuff for several days now. Plus I think my margins are too narrow. Erk. I don’t know. HELPPPP

You know when you feel like you’ve overworked something too much that it’s become rubbish. I feel like this is happen with this CV right now. Then again creative stuff and CVs aren’t the same thing, so I could just be feeling apprehensive just because.

Okay okay, focus - final steps, you’re almost there

• Finish layout tweaking
• Proof read it yourself
• Get Bob to proof read it
• Get Nick to proof read it
• Get Paul to proof read it
• Get some unknown pair of eyes who’s good at this shit to read it
• Adjust accordingly
• Panic
• Final checks
• DONE!

Righty. Lets go!

10th April 2008

Everlasting CV action argh.

Progress…

• Reworked it by myself until I got stuck
• Had second rework session with Bob again last night (notably after the Apprentice finished). Improved some areas and was left to finish off improving it.
• Got Nick to look at it, gave feedback comments, working through those now.
• Getting Paul to look at it this weekend hopefully.
• I still need to clarify some contact details for references heh.

To do

• Carry on reworking considering Nick’s points
• Finish a few areas and comments that Bob left notes about last night
• Email to Paul
• Who else can proofread it? Maybe Kev? But he’s not around after tonight - gay. How about Bro? I dunno how good he is with those things.
• Place in correct content order
• Layout
• Final proof reading by everyone again, and one pair of fresh eye(ball)s

Then I have to do the whole damn thing again for two more CVs. What a gay.

The design CV is the next thing, I think the blurb is okay, though will need to rework the part about my industry experiences.

I’ll worry about later, first things first though. This damnnn CV.

9th April 2008

Not too bad today, went to the job centre and printed off a load of jobs there, then I did the required follow up calls to get information and so forth. So yeah have a nice file of jobs to go for now. Just need the CV and off I go.

Reworked content on CV, I seem to have got into the swing of it, am worried I’ve over-ponced it too much now. I hate hate hate hate CV stuff, the main prob being too many people tell me different things. Though getting to look at other people’s CV’s have helped me get a better idea of it all.

Stuff still to do on CV

• Rework it with Bob tonight at 10 (we have a gcal date babeh)
• Sort out layout/look in word
• Get people to proof read, will like to get Paul, Nick, dunno who else, I think I just need lots of eyeballs.
• Rework accordingly

I’d like to get this one done and dusted by the end of the week, even Friday would be cool, then I can work on tweaking Design CV and then bang out a Photography one.

I should maybe prep some cover letters at some point too. But will focus on CV for now.

Stuff to do tomorrow

• Get the correct contact details/spellings for work reference
• Carry on with CV in evening, try not get tired. Prob email to Paul

8th April 2008

Been doing alright today so far, usually this is the time I get out on bed on a normal day off, but the mobo collection has forced me to be up and about early. Granted it took me about an hour before I even woke up enough to do stuff but it’s still good.

Just stopping a bit to have some lunch mm

So progress today

• Well sorted out gmail last night, nice and tidy. I’m actually paying attention to any job alerts I get through now heh
• Had another look at jobplus website, nothing new
• Hooked up my old hds to work from, this way I can keep my backup the latest copy for when I return to my desktop
• Did some slight adjustments to my old design CV, had to installed/update a few things in the laptop for that. Need to revamp this tho
• Tweeked my portfolio site a tiny bit
• Applied for a few jobs last night and today. Got one I’m working on now, just need to finish the cover note.
• Been over a few job hunting sites, checked for vacancies and updated my profiles/cvs on them

Other stuff I need to do tonight

• Rework CV with help of people I need one for: Office work and one for Design. I then need a Photography variation of the Design one
• Prep a list of jobs for tomorrow when I’m in town, these will include jobs from the day before to be done
• Start reading CSS books and try get some inspiration for some site drafts for my photos

Okay that’s enough, don’t want to bog myself down too much. Little chunks.

Have found NIN - Ghosts is the perfect working music, I think anything with lyrics is too distracting.

Twitterfox and the board have provided me some needed sanity maintaining entertainment while I work.

Feel a tiny bit better about the job hunt, but still scared shitless and got this horrible sensation of dread every time I do anything related to it.

That’s enough. Don’t want to think too much about it. Lunch over. Finish this covernote.

—–

Okay had a bit of a look at CV with bob tonight, had some people send me CVs too which has been interesting to get an overview. I think I have a better idea of it all now. Got to work through it and then have another look with Bob tomorrow at 10.

Tomorrow will just go into town, get info I need, work on CV. Then once I’ve done then work on something else.

7th April 2008

Okay okay not having a desktop is not the end of the world. Here is a list of things I can do while I don’t have it running yet.

• Go into job centre and look up more information on printed out jobs, Do this Wednesday after you’ve got your nails done
• Go into that job agency, express deepest importantance of wanting new job FAST, do this wednesday too while you’re in town
• Plan out photography website
• Hook up ext hd and start updating/revamping CVS - do this tuesday while you’re waiting for someone to pick up that stupid mobo. Get some people to look at it on Tuesday if you can. Print and take copy with you on Wednesday!
• As a mini project you should start reading those sodding CSS books and think about making a small mock up site for the Lice.
• Clean up job hunting gmail addy and use it webbased, be easier to keep tabs on everything - install a gmail addon tho to tell me when I has new mail
• Draft a photography Cv
• Revamp office CV
• Revamp design CV

See you can do things, you can still be productive. You can push and achieve. Come on
—–

I’m too scared.

—–

Things needed to ensure escape:

• A job
• A kitten (sorry I’ll focus)
  
• Money
• Goal

Okay lets break these down. We’ll focus on job first.

A job:

Status - Currently have one, but it’s poor wage, not very exciting and currently does not offer total stability. So new one that’s full time required yes?

Problems?

• Lack of motivation - Screw that one that’s something that I can’t physically change right now as of ye, lets focus on things I can actively do…
• Out of date CVs - I can update them easy…
• Out of date portfolio - Bit more problematic, means a mega site overhaul, refining what I do have to show and maybe working on other projects?
• Lack of paper portfolio - I can do this…
• Severe low confidence in all my work and everything I ever create or touch with my hands - okay okay I can’t fix this as such, but I need to fuck that thought right off
• Getting extremely emo every time I’m knocked back - Not sure what to do about this one, everyone keeps telling me not to take all these set backs to hard and personally, but it fucking feels shite
• Freaking out about interviews for jobs I would love to have - this is linked with the confidence issue, I think I just need a bit of support and ass kicking maybe?
• Jobs to apply for - this is a bit of a lie issue, I mean there ARE jobs out there, I just have to find them
• Actually applying for jobs - I’m so lazy, and make excuses about not having a CV and all that, so basically this issue is eliminated when I run out of excuses, which means dealing with everything else first.

Action?

Lets try and break this down as much as I can, break it down to the point of simple tasks, we’re going that far. So lets look at this. We’ll start with the redoing CV stuff…Lets see how far I can get with the list tonight.

CVs

• Look at it
• Add additional job information
• Redo personal statement
• Get someone to look at it
• Edit accordingly unless it’s fucking shit then be emo for a bit
• I guess I’ll have to show Bob
• Finalise