Reptile by NIN is such an awesome track.
So today was good, I ended up being awoken early by text messages galore. But I guess that wasn’t so bad because I decided to head to the beach on a random whim. Because there was not a single cloud in the sky and hey, maybe some sea air would sort out my illness?
This morning’s opening features coco pops, tea and the uplifting sounds of The Smiths.
So I crashed really early yesterday and I may have finally forced myself to get some sleep, despite the struggle due to cold feet issues and generally being cold, and even then I snapped wide awake before my alarm was due to go off. I guess I can look on the bright side, I technically don’t feel sleep deprived for once before work, that’s a pretty rare moment - one I should probably savour.
Work…
It feels odd to go back to this routine of the olde daily grind, well not really odd, it’s like you get use to doing one thing, then another thing, then you get thrown back to doing the old thing again and you just got to get on with it. Which, isn’t that bad except if I remember rightly I was getting so bored of my current job, that I was being extremely passive and I was actually mentally struggling to get through the day because of the monotony.
One more sleep and I’m fecking off to Leeds for the weekend anyway. There I shall probably eat sushi and socialise with real human beings who actually may want my company for a short while, which kicks the shit over being here and so bored out of my fucking skull I just realised I am now currently up to date with watching Scrubs. And I can ensure you I am neither proud or thrilled that I was that bored/sad/oh woe is me enough to cane through that many Scrubs episodes in such a small space of time.
Maybe I place too much of a heavy emphasis on other people around me;
“In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don’t care if I live or die ?”
Who knows.
Off I go anyway, to the daily grind…grind grind grind….grind grind grind grind grind grind grind…
It’s another lovely fantastic hot sunny glorious day outside, it has been this nice every day since I’d been ill.
Sadistic weather.
I don’t feel so ill today, my throat is kinda a bit better, I managed to eat some real food last night (”numfar do the dance of joy!”) but it still fecking hurts. The first wave of spots are crusting over, they look oh so attractive as they’re now pussing up with white stuff before drying out. My scalp is the most painful, I could barely lie down the other night, and I keep forgetting about it and itching my head and then end up in uber pain cause I forgot it’s not just an itch but probably a sore, and I can’t brush my hair properly which is driving me nuts also.
It’s weird the things we do every single day without realising it. Though by the same token it’s really weird how we force ourselves to do certain things daily.
I mean a good example is me and my sodding photography projects, two shots everyday for a year. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m doing it, or why I care so much about making sure I fufil it.
Maybe having these daily things forces some sort of routine on us, which therefore offers a constant, or some sort of stability regardless of any other chaos that surrounds us.
I’m coming up to the halfway point in my ThreeSixtyFive project, I feel kinda proud even though I know there had been poor shots and fast shots and moments where I just couldn’t be arsed, but that’s part of the experience. It’s the hard bits and how to you deal with them that teaches you the most.
I feel sick from eating the last of that cake with cream…urgh
I’m so stuck at the moment. I feel like I’m grabbing at straws here but I just want to throw myself in the one thing that I don’t have doubts about and that my camera andmy photos. Alas I’m not the best or most amazing photographer out there, but I recognise I have the potential to carry this onwards. But will others see it too?
Really really really really want a new lens.
Working loads this week, will be good, help the days pass quicker till I can go socialise and maybe drown my sorrows under a veil of strawberry cider/tia maria+coke/red wine/booze and the sprout utter bollocks to anyone within the 5 foot region before collapsing somewhere and wishing that I hadn’t consumed whatever alcoholic substance I’d consumed. Then maybe wake up to either a) being covered with pen b) having my head shaved c) find myself in a bath…
Though I say all this what will most likely happen is I decided agaist drinking the last minute, watch everyone else get twatted on booze while I take photos and mock them, and then go make myself a cup of tea when it’s late and try and have some sort of conversation with whatever drunk person I find. And if all goes to plan, I shall probably get involved with shrink wrapping some poor drunk person to something…
Yeah. I’m going to bed.
Went for a walk to soak some rays and try to tan up my arms/shoulders a bit. Noticed yellowhammers are back, means summer is finally on it’s way.
Going for walks around here are pretty boring, I mean there’s not like much variation unless I choose to actually walk to one of the villages. But I don’t know, I was sat outside writing a bit beforehand and then I just felt like going for a walk, so I did.
I feel so…uninspired right at the moment.
I remember back to when I was at uni, and one of my lecturers would tell us/me if you feel out of ideas, go for a walk, take a notepad, get away from the problem at hand for a while. Come back, refreshed and ready to go again.
But this never really helped me, it just helped me avoid the problem a little longer. But at least he kinda ‘got it’, he had some sort of comprehension of the frustration I’m experiencing at the moment. He’s been one of these people who have took a look at me and they could acknowledge the potential swimming around inside of me, but they also seem to get that I couldn’t quite tap at it.
Unfortunately the real world isn’t as compassionate as that, as complicated as it can be the main attitude of life is quite simply black or white, do or don’t, yes or no.
Where does that leave people like me? Swimming around being battered between the two.
Maybe I should start drinking more.
All my designs, simplified
And all of my plans, compromised
All of my dreams, sacrificedEver had the feeling you’ve been here before?
Drinking down the poison the way you were taught
Every thought from here on in your life begins
And all you knew was wrong?
I can’t imagine being anything else than a creative of some sort. Why is that? Why do I want to I want to try and make a living out of the hardest areas going. Why can’t I just pick something plain and simple, like admin - yeahh admin…
It’s really annoying when you think too much. Sometimes being really thoughtful and curious is such a wonderful thing, it stops you missing the little things, the little details that really matter - I think people spend too much time rushing about and missing those little details. By the same token it’s the little details that can drive you insane.