Old habits
While I was ill and housebound I have been somewhat terrible and slipped into quite a few old habits along the way. These include; chewing my nails off, being a nocturnalist, being evasive of everything by watching stuff, thinking too much, hanging around on the board wayyy too much and mainly just not being proactive.
Not good, think I need to actively get going again.
Though I just caned through a bag of kettle chips.
Dammit.
To be fair, life is somewhat stale going around here, I don’t know if it’s just because people are too busy with their own lives or whether it’s just me again.
I think this is just stemming on from yesterday. With the whole - I can’t live with my brain at the moment - crisis. Yet again I struggled to get to sleep last night, I think I must have fell asleep at 4am and woke up various times before getting up around midday. I might start the whole no caffeine after a certain time thing again. See if that helps. Though I suspect that returning to work will start to wear me out accordingly, and fix the whole broken sleep thing.
Otherwise…I don’t know, I’m not sure what my brain is trying to do to me. I feel so incredibly passive, towards others, towards myself, towards the whole life change thing, towards questions and existence and meaning and rights and wrongs and feelings and emotions and life and wonderings and dreams and the past and the present and the future.
What if…what if this is it? What if this is all I can and will ever be? Just this sort of strange mess, that’s neither here or there or anywhere? I am really really scared right now, I am really really worried that I am going to become one of those people who live with their folks till they’re old, and they spin around from shit job to shit job for their entire life, and yeah they go and do the things they want to do, see people, have a laugh, but as for real dreams, they’re forgotten about - and I will loathe myself for it so much in the future. Where if I have kids or maybe nieces/nephews, and they talk about how they want to do this and this and this, I can tell them that yeah I was once like that too, I once wanted to see the world, but I never did. And I will loathe myself for that too.
Becoming an adult is so horrible, life is just so hard, existence isn’t, but life is, and yeah I know that’s the way it rolls, deal with it and stop being a weak pathetic woe is me lazy fucktard. But sometimes it feels so hard that it actually mentally pains me so. I just think of all the horrible horrible things in life, and I can’t imagine ever wanting to willingly bring life into such a horrible horrible place - with all these horrible horrible sensations, and feelings, and thoughts, and people and events and everything else that’s equally nasty.
The other week I found out a few things about myself when I was born, and though I know a bit any way, it made me realise that now I am old enough to understand that I should maybe go and find out what really is the deal with me and my medical history. And what were the consequences of it all. Maybe it could explain why I am just a little bit more insane than your average female, or maybe explain why I am just so horribly restless and lack the ability to concentrate on things that could actually improve my life. Who knows, though at the end of the day I am merely just looking for excuses for my own pitiful laziness and low self esteem instead of just being a (grr) man and saying that actually, it’s all down to me, and not some crazy ass shit they did to me days after I was born.
I feel like I took a giant mental 3yrs step backwards here, I’m meant to be all optimistic and shit like that now. Not this bundle of incoherent mess.
I mean I’m totally bricking it for this stupid literacy/numeracy thing I have to do. And I fully well know I am an intelligent human being who had a reasonable standard of education. So what is there to fear?
Maybe, maybe what the problem is that I honestly think it’s all over, that I am already on this spiralling destiny of doom and gloom and monotony - and I won’t ever be the shining success. Sure you have to accept the fact that things just may not turn out the way you had planned them to be, but what if it’s already over?
Though that doesn’t explain why I feel so…stale, kinda…empty. I’m functioning and I’m talking and I’m laughing and I’m joking but I don’t think I’m here at all. And I know that sounds dramatic, ott, emo, angsty or whatever. But I can’t find any other words that fit the bill better than those.
If someone finds me, please let me know?
Tah