Work work work. Boring.

Ill ill ill. Gay.

Shot 200 tomorrow in 365, I have nooo ideas for it so far. Maybe something simple…Will need to be, am a bit busy this weekend again.

I need to get back on the changing life horse again, last weekend has totally distracted me from the cause. Must get out of socialising mode, tis important I go do something good for myself.

I should be taking advantage of the good vibes, though maybe the key is not to concentrate so much on it. Else the frustration will kick in again and I’ll never want to do it. I’m terrible like that, if I don’t just go do it then I’ll never want to.

I need new music.

Ordered Mercy at long last <3 Brought Paul a copy for his birthday too.

Better go shower and go to the daily grind.

…it’s not sunk in.

Could I ever get use to this?

It doesn’t but does make sense at the same time.

Why do I have a desperate need to comprehend that which is not meant to be understood?

I think a little xkcd might sum it up nicely…

…well, kinda.

This morning’s afternoon’s slap around the face is swigging from a giant box of tropicana smooth and Porcupine Tree - Deadwing.

Feel awful, then again didn’t go to bed till mega late and the cough seems to have knocked the wind energy out of me. I hope the zap of juice will help fix me enough for the weekend.

I’ve noticed, that it’s always this time of year that everything gets shaken up. Balances are knocked out of place, chucked around and put back together again with somewhat unpredictable and surprising results.

The problem with this big shake up is that unfortunately there are some people who get the worse end of the deal. And at the time they believe that nothing will ever be better, that their world, that everything they knew had fallen apart with no way of ever fixing it. They want to curl up and feel miserable for the rest of their lives, and rot with their own self loathing and pain…

Then there are the people who can’t believe their luck, they wake up one morning realising that something wonderful has happened to them and you need to take a double take just to make sure it’s all real. They walk around with their head held high and a hazy glint in their eyes, as they smile on both the inside and the outside…

I wish life could be fair and that no one would ever have to feel broken and in pain at the hand’s of their own woes - but the fact of the matter is…sadness  builds character, it forcefully pushes you to your limits and beyond. As said in Fight Club - how can you know anything about yourself unless you’ve been in a fight?  It’s not about what happens to you, it’s about how to act back, and it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to get knocked over - it’s okay as long as you remember to stand up…eventually.

So really…the people who are suffering - right now - they’ll be the better stronger ones, the ones who will bounce back quicker from the fall everytime it comes round for them.

I just hope they realise this…

This morning’s pick me up is tea, the last of the multi grain thingys, a fan heater and random itunes.

Returned from long weekend last night, was rather enjoyable though more on that later. However have returned donning a wonderful icky cough and a dose of sleep deprivation. Seriously I have no idea just how much or little sleep I’ve had - but all I know is that somehow I am still functioning pretty well, which is odd but good. I also think I may have consumed way too much MEATT and I found out that the combination of wind and gazebos do not work…

It also feels odd to go from doing sod all (well no, that’s a lie, I’ve done quite a lot this weekend, think the technical term is I didn’t do anything related to life/work or any of that boring grown up stuff) to going back to work without a day off in between or something. I feel like my head is still in weekend mode. Maybe I’ll snap out of it later.

Feel like I have 101 things to do, though I don’t really, I’m just a little tied up.

I’m disappointed in myself, I don’t have any random deep thinking rubbish to yabber about this morning.

Hmm I need to organise, need to update lists and remember things to do else I’ll forget because I’m in such a drifting loitering daze at the moment. Need to focus. And probably some sleep too.

Mmm sleep…

Something stops me without warning
I sit myself down.
Knocks me off my feet, changes all the thoughts I think.
Something somewhere.

I know you’ll always be there.
I know you’ll stay near.

Turn around, you’re here without a doubt.
Cause something, something watches out.
And I feel so grateful that you came.
Nothing will ever feel the same.

Confused, asking all the questions.
Like where is all the fear?
And where’s the sirens I should hear?
Something somewhere.

I know you’ll always be there.
I know you’ll stay near.

Turn around, you’re here without a doubt.
Cause something, something watches out.
And I feel so grateful that you came.
Nothing will ever feel the same.

Alone in the cold and you’re born again.
I see you in the air.
The further that you go from me,
The harder to bear.

Turn around, you’re here without a doubt.
Cause something, something watches out.
And I feel so grateful that you came.
Nothing will ever feel the same.

- Budapest

Belated but hey I’ve been away socialising-ing-ing-ing

1. Last laugh?
About 2-3 hours ago

2. What do you love?
Music, adventure, good food, relaxing and having fun

3. Gold or silver?
White gold please

4. Who do you hold hands with?
Nice guys or little children when crossing the road or drunk friends

5. Friday fill-in:
There’s no time to ____.
…dwell on the past

After doing some back reading, I have totally realised that I forgot what my goal was for the year.

Year 2008 will be the year I sort myself out once and for good. I should figure out what I need and want to do and start working out how to get there…

But I don’t know, I just can’t decide, I’m in a horrible state of mind where just I can’t decide anyythinggg, though come to think of it…maybe it’s not that I can’t but it’s moreso I won’t, I think I’m too scared. I’m too scared of getting it wrong…

But after some more thinking, as I was driving back in the dark in my car yesterday from nipping out to the shops (of all things) I thought to myself. So much is so complicated and messy in life because people get stressed out and tense too easily. I mean heck just look at me mother fussing and stressing about EVERYTHING. So I think I decided - Year 2008 will be the year of no stress. The year of go with the flow, and if something goes wrong then yeah fuck it and carry on.

The year of no stress.

Have I been successful so far? Kinda and kinda not. Things have been peving me off and so forth but ultimately I’ve been more optimistic that the year before.

I think I would like to make an amendment on this and from this point on I declare that ‘Year 2008 - The year of no stress and no fear’

Got to crawl out this little niche I’ve made for myself and stick my neck out and find out what happens. Because having fear is like the root of my issues - fear stops a person from doing what they really want in life. Fear makes you apprehensive, negative - it makes you doubt yourself even before you get off the mark.

Fear stops you tapping into your potential - it stops you from standing on your own two feet.

One of the things I said to my work colleague yesterday is that about 50% of success is about how much you want something. It’s not about intelligence, or talent or skill - if you want it bad enough it will carry you through all these things.

What do I want so badly that I’ll stick my neck out for?

What do I want so badly that none of my faults or lackings will stop me?

I know what I want. But just how badly do I want it?

So from this point on, no stress and no fear - thanks?