Things…
I like rereading things I’ve written, I mean stuff like blog entries and event entries - the same as looking back on photos. I don’t know, I think it’s the idea that it helps me not to forget stuff, and it also reminds me of how I was feeling around a certain time.
I skimmed right back in this current blog to the period where I was working in the job I thought would sort me out. And I wasn’t I don’t know…I didn’t have any closure around that period of time either.
I guess what I’m really reallly trying to say here is…I keep thinking that a proper job will sort me out, like it’d give me that dying sense of closure I’ve been craving for a long time now. I’m placing so much pressure on myself over this, I’m trying so hard to play this ‘I’ve grown up now’ card. But I haven’t, haven’t at all. And I don’t think I ever could.
I’m going to requote something I already posted because it’s applicable now.
“I couldn’t say why; it felt like more than having gone through a period of mourning and come out the other side, and more than just having reassessed my own woes and decided they were slight compared to what other people had to bear; it felt like faith, like revelation: that things went on, that life ground on regardless, and mindless, and produced pain and pleasure and hope and fear and joy and despair, and you dodged some of it and you sought some of it and sometimes you could plan your way ahead and that would be the right thing to have done, but other times all you could do was forget plans and just be ready to react, and sometimes the obvious was true and sometimes it wasn’t, and sometimes experience helped but not always, and it was all luck, fate, in the end; you lived, and you waited to see what happened, and you would rarely ever be sure that what you had done was really the right thing or the wrong thing, because things can always be better, and things can always be worse.”
- Espedair Street by Iain Banks
Why is it that everyone seems so much more prepared for the future than me? Like…they just seem so….sorted out. And I’m just all…I don’t know, still a drifting around ‘for the moment’ kinda gal. No I don’t seem to have a secure foundation for my future and I’m approaching a point in my life where i should be.
But fact of the matter is…I don’t care about any of that…and that’s the problem. So what if I get a job. What does that all mean ultimately? All I’ll do it just continue to wing it and use the money to live a frivolous life of adventure.
Five days until pay day.
Five days until theatre!!
Five days until LUNNDUNNN.
Five days until I can buy my download ticket.