I had of course forgotten I was not in my cosy bed at home but in some random bunk bed in a random hostel in Stockholm. The anxiety resides in my head for a split moment before dissolving away when the realisation kicks back in.
What am I doing in Stockholm?…No wait I’ve come to see that band…what-sit-called…that band with that Bellamy bloke…oh yeah….Muse…!
Last night I dreamt I was at a Mexicolas gig and I was a photographer for them, at first the gig was meant to be small but I remember looking down the length of the room and there were shit loads of people! A couple of other mates were there too, and after the gig they served loads of chinese food 0_o
I’d been dreaming weirdly of late, lots of vivid dreams that lead me to doze the last hour or so in bed. Thankfully I don’t feel so wretched when I try to get up in the morning either any more, I wonder why that is? Maybe it has something to do with the time going back an hour? Who knows.
Today I went into town to return application forms and found myself at an agency and registered with them for office work. Was strange. It was one of those moments where I switched off for a bit and then the next time I clicked back I was thinking “What am I doing here?”
I think I surprised myself somewhat that I was actually being surprisingly monotone and proactive with the job hunt now. I’d switched off my sorrow and replaced it with anger and started just doing stuff without thinking about it too much. I think I just want the money, all I have clear set in my mind is to get the money to settle my debts, to save and to go visit K and then travel, this is all I have in my mind.
I’m just on autopilot..
“…fuck it…whatcha gonna do?”
But being torn out of bed at 3.30am in the morning to sit in a car in the dark for an hour or so and turn up at the airport about three and a half hours before your flight - when check in hasn’t even begun all after less than three hours sleep…well that’s just a whole different ball game. Sod punctuation, sod this holiday, sod everything because the bed is nice and warm and sleep is surprisingly nice….
What the hell am I doing here?!
I’m a hoarder, as in a natural hoarder, I like to make up reasons to keep stuff just so I can keep it and feel secure and knowing that I have it though I most likely will never need it again.
I decided to keep all my mementos inside a box file, so I brought one today and now I’m looking through all the stuff in the original box and realised…just how much crap I have.
Memento stuff is meant to stir a memory, a sensation but a lot of this stuff doesn’t - it kinda bugs me because I just know that back then I would have kept certain things for a specific reason I wouldn’t have just chucked it in for the sake of it.
The best thing about the experience has been finding my bundle of hand written letters sent to me from various people. I miss it, I miss writing letters and receiving them, there’s something extra nice about the whole process.
Oh and finding money wedged in old cards - wow.
The big downside to this is that I found a bunch of stuff that is all related back to the past that I’m not sure about, that whole it brings up good feelings and sad ones too, I don’t know what to do with it all.
What am I doing?
“Now that’s a very very dangerous idea. You should stay away from your potential, I mean that is something you should leave absolutely alone….don’t….you’ll mess it up. it’s ‘potential’ leave it. And anyway it’s like your bank balance you know you always have a lot less than you think. You don’t look at it! Don’t. Noo. Leave it as kinda the ‘locked door’ within yourself that’s how it should be. Then at least in your mind the interior will always be palatial…you know? Wonderful gleaming marble floors…brocaded drapes…mullion windows covered in mullions whatever they are….”
- Dylan Moran in Monster
I recently read this from Stu’s LJ:
“If you told me this time last year that I’d be going on holiday with kev, kazzie and inn i’d have never believed you.”
And he has a point.